..well, semi-private.
It's been a while since I've blogged. I
have had this topic bouncing around in my mind for a long time. I have
refused to share it publicly. I am a bit hesitant right now, actually. Maybe because of the struggle behind it.
Maybe it's because I am or was ashamed that I had to go through it. I'm
often too hard on myself, and don't realize how much I have truly
accomplished.
As most women, I've struggled with body issues. And self-confidence. We
have a tendency to compare ourselves to others, which often makes things
worse. It's a constant struggle, especially if you don't give yourself
credit when you do accomplish something. So, I'm going to share my
story... it will help me make it real for myself, and hopefully inspire
others and help them realize they are not alone.
I've never been overweight, per-se... but I came pretty
close a few years ago. As a child and young adult, I was thin. My dad
would encourage us to eat well. I became more active when I was
diagnosed with dairy-intolerance, in an effort to help my digestive
system. In high school, I joined cross country and track. I fell in
love with running, and made it a priority in my life. Soon after, I
discovered how important eating healthy was for me to feel great and run
well. I added healthy eating as a priority. Needless to say, I was
doing pretty well growing up.
The struggle began a few months
before college. Out of nowhere, I began eating when I was stressed. I
wasn't hungry, but food made me feel better. I would go through cycles
of binge eating, then starvation and over-exercising. I also started
using laxatives in hope of not allowing my body to absorb the calories.
Through all that, I began to put on the pounds. When I checked the
scale, I would see that awful number. It made me feel disgusting, and
disappointed. I would then eat. I would over-exercise. I would feel
bad. Back and forth. The cycle went on for a couple years. At one
point, I was close to 135 pounds. For a girl my size, that is near
being overweight. I was depressed. My grades fell. I didn't want
to hang out with anyone. I was ashamed of what I looked like, so I hid
myself from the world. I felt that people wouldn't understand what I
was going through.
Eventually, I moved back home. I felt that
maybe being with my family would help through my struggle. I wanted to
get over my hump. I tried really hard to have a regular healthy diet,
and run. I began to lose pounds. I contacted a college coach that had
asked me back in high school if I wanted to run for his team. I really
hoped he'd still consider me to be part of the team. I had heard good
things about the team, and wanted to be a part of it. I yearned for that
feeling of belonging. I yearned for new friendships. I yearned for
that feeling of accomplishment. After visiting the team, and doing a
fitness test, I was asked to be part of the team! I was excited.
However, that summer did not come without struggle.
The
summer training started off well. I was running consistent miles. Once I
felt I had "mastered" a set of miles, I wanted to add more. So, I did.
Even without coach's approval. That led to over training. I ignored
various pains. Eventually, I wasn't able to run for a few weeks. That
made my depression come back. The horrible fight with food was back. I
gained a few pounds back. The cycle continued.
When I was able
to run again, the struggle carried through. I would overeat and I would
feel the need to get rid of the extra calories. I began using laxatives
again. All this weakened my body. I knew I was harming my body, but I did it anyway. My bones undoubtedly were weak, and I
developed shin splints, which then turned into a stress fracture.
Eventually, I was unable to participate in cross country.
After
that semester, I left college because of various reasons. The struggle
continued after that for about another year and a half.
I
had always focused on eating healthy foods. My problem was that I would
eat my stress away.
This past winter, I was at 128. That's not a
terrible weight for a person my size. I was doing much better. Though,
for a person with my goals, that was unacceptable. I decided it was
time for a change. For real. From then on, I focused on becoming leaner
and stronger. I also focused on not over training, and really listened
to my body.
By February, I was at 124. Not too shabby. That was
also when I noticed that a pain on my right toe area was not going
away. I rested for 2 weeks or so at a time to see if the pain went
away. The moment I started running again, the pain would return. I made
an appointment to get an x-ray. My doctor didn't see anything
"abnormal" about the x-ray, and she simply gave me meds for the pain. A
few months after that, I decided to have an orthopedic doctor take a
look. He saw the fracture of my medial sesamoid right away. That
injury took me away from running. Again. For the whole summer. I was
afraid I'd go back to that dreadful cycle. This time though, it went
differently.
I decided that I was not going to fall back into that
struggle. This time, I really tried to focus on the positives. I knew that was my chance to really focus on my upper body strength. I
had to do something. I didn't want to get too much out of shape. So, I
also made cross-training a priority. I made it a habit to do strength
training and cross training most days of the week. I also continued my
clean eating. Eventually, it was just the normality. I became used to
it! I became consistent. I became stronger as a person.
Over the last several months, I have lost a little over 20 lbs
of unwanted fat. I am now at 108 lbs, which is an ideal weight for an
runner my size. I have gained muscle, and now have a strong upper-body!
Most, if not all, of that happened when I wasn't running. This time, I
focused on maintaining as much of my endurance and strength as I could.
Maybe that helped me think less about the fact that I couldn't run. :)
Now,
I'm focusing on continuing to maintain my strength. When the time
comes and my surgery area is fully healed, I will focus on becoming an
elite runner. I feel great!
As my friends, I ask you to keep me
accountable and continue to help me through this journey. I do not expect it to be a walk in the park. I know there
will be struggles, but I hope to continue to overcome them and continue to be consistent! Everything
is possible with loads of hard work. However, patience plays a key role
in any journey as well. Sometimes, less is more.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I truly appreciate it.
God bless,
Bertha
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